There’s no rule book on how to get over a breakup—and no fast-forward button either. However many plans you make or clichés you’re offered, grieving the loss of a relationship will inevitably bring a roller-coaster of hard-to-handle emotions.
While there’s no way to skip the heartbreak and wake up happily single by tomorrow, there are ways to at least make the process more bearable while you’re in it. “Your healing time will depend on different factors, like the meaning the relationship had to you as well as the length of it,” Habiba Jessica Zaman, LPC, a therapist based in Tucker, Georgia, and author of How We Choose Who We Lovetells SELF. Zaman says. Moving on can take longer, for instance, if you lost your virginity to this person or they’re the only one you’ve ever introduced to your parents.
Below, therapists break down what can actually help you let go of your ex and feel more like yourself again.
1. Avoid distractions that do more harm than good.
It’s tempting to preoccupy yourself with a glass of red wine or a few casual hookups—whatever offers relief when you’re in pain.
However, these coping strategies tend to work only in the short term. “They stop the bleeding but don’t address the wound itself,” Terri Orbuch, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Oakland and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, tells SELF. So while getting drunk may numb the sadness for a few hours, the hurt will probably come rushing back once you’re sober. Similarly, jumping into a rebound relationship before you’re ready can end up creating more stress—and regret.
2. Don’t fight the heartache: Feel it.
“Some people believe they have to stop thinking about the pain to move on and be happy,” Sarah Gundle, PsyD, New York City–based clinical psychologist and assistant professor at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai Hospital, tells SELF. “But you actually have to feel your feelings in order to understand and accept what happened.”
One way to create a space for this reflection (and wallowing) is to set asider 10 to 20 minutes and just sit (or lie) there and embrace the emotions that come up. Anger, emptiness, grief, sadness, regret—whatever arises, let yourself feel it with curiosity, not judgment. Many of us don’t realize just how freeing it can be to stop suppressing our true feelings.
