Almost every woman has seen it—or lived it herself: You’re with a guy for years, he won’t commit, and then the very next person he dates suddenly becomes The One.
It’s a pattern so painfully relatable that it’s been the inspiration for rom-coms like Good Luck Wishesk and even earned a catchy moniker in Sex and the City: the “Taxi Cab Theory.” In the show, Miranda breaks it down with a simple metaphor: “Men are like cabs,” she explains. “They wake up one day, and they decide they’re ready to settle down, have babies, whatever. Then they turn their light on. The next woman they pick up—boom—that’s the one they’ll marry.” By this logic, a man won’t “settle down” unless he is “ready”—no matter how perfect or compatible you are.
The theory resonated then, and it still does years later. But how much of the Taxi Cab Theory actually holds up in real life? While there’s some truth to it, relationship therapists say it’s far from the cartoonist version Miranda pessimistically points out. Here’s what actually could be happening when a man drags his feet for years—only to suddenly commit to the next woman.
Are men just waiting for the right time?
Most of us grow up believing that people will inherently want to marry their soulmate—all you have to do is find them first. But commitment rarely hinges on love alone. Timing matters too, and “for both genders, people often need to get to a place of ‘psychological readiness’ before settling down in a relationship that could progress towards a family,” Nari Jeter, LMFT, licensed couples therapist in Florida and cohost of The Coupled Podcasttells SELF.
But being “ready” for something long-term often looks different for men and women, according to Jeter—in large part because of the gender norms ingrained in us by society. Consider how men, for instance, are encouraged to be the breadwinners and establish financial stability before getting married. (You can literally think of this as it plays out in old movies and books: A young man must convince his future father-in-law he’s suitable for his daughter despite coming from nothing.) “Men have historically been socialized to prioritize their careers, their professions,” Molly Burrets, PhD, a Los Angeles–based psychologist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California’s Department of Marriage and Family Therapy, tells SELF. “They feel they’ve become ‘real adults’ only when they’re able to provide and create a steady, secure life for themselves and their families.”
